


Stealing Hearts

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Never Met, Alternative Universe - FBI, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, M/M, Plot, Slow Burn, Special Agent! Craig, Swearing, The au i didn't know i needed, Thief! Tweek, creek - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-10 08:07:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12907752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When the FBI is provoked into trying to capture an elusive thief, Craig finds himself in a ridiculous situation.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Have any of you seen Dhoom 2?
> 
> Its like that but also not really.
> 
> I haven't written in forever, let alone posted any of my writing anywhere but wow. 
> 
> I can't believed this is the ship that got me to do it.
> 
> If I've made any grammatical errors, please let me know. 
> 
> They're all like, 26 in this. 
> 
> I've kept the rating mature because I'm very weird and my writing ends up in weird places. Don't be surprised if ratings and tags changed.
> 
> This was supposed to be a one shot but my brain happened.

 

Craig was mad.

No, he wasn't mad. He was _furious_.

This was the first time he had ever felt this humiliated.

His hands were pinned down by the sides of his head by a figure who had more strength than he appeared.

A smile graced the face of his attacker as he sat on Craig's chest. The broad shouldered man didn't look very muscular but he appeared to be one of those people that have no fat and just muscle. He was dressed in head to toe in black, his hair tucked away under a hat and a black mask on his face. Only his green eyes peered through over the dark edges of the mask and his lips very visible below it.

Internally, Craig was cussing out the person who decided that they were ony allowed to carry one taser for this stupid mission instead of actual weapons. He was also cursing himself out for not just grabbing more weapons on his own.

"Its funny how you still manage to look handsome when you're mad."

Craig looked at the man sitting on him incredulously. He expected the guy to say a lot of things but this wasn't one of them.

His expression caused his captor to chuckle, "Don't worry. I don't do anything without consent. Its no fun if you don't want it."

"What the fuck? Are you actually hitting on me?"

His captor laughed, "Well, in my line of work, you don't exactly get to meet cute guys."

Craig swallowed slowly, noticing how the pair of green, lustful eyes fell from his lips to his throat and he hated to admit that this may or may not be playing into some undiscovered kink of his, "I see. Well, if you turn yourself in, I could probably get you a nicer deal."

The green eyes suddenly shot up to meet Craig's and a large grin broke out on his captor's face, "I think you're hot but I'm not in love with you. Sadly for you, I am in love with my job."

"Stealing stuff is a job?"

His captor laughed, "You'd want to steal the stuff I steal too if you knew how much money I make." He leaned down so close that Craig could feel his breath dusting across his skin. His breath smelled a lot like... Coffee?

His captor dipped down to Craig's ear and whispered, "How about you come with me instead? I could get you a decent pay and maybe more." Craig was sure that under different circumstances, the way his voice changed at the word 'more' would have sent the blood in his body south but right now, he was still too angry.

"No, I'm fine where I am. Thanks," Craig wanted to slap himself for his voice cracking at the end of that sentence.

His captor chuckled, sending waves of warm air onto his neck. Craig could feel something strong pooling in his gut.

"Such a shame. Oh well... Maybe I can leave a small gift before I leave." Craig's eyes widened as he felt a pair of lips against his neck. There was no way he was getting out without a hickey.

He suddenly heard Clyde's voice resonate from behind him, "CRAIG! WHERE ARE YOU?"

The captor shot up but still had Craig pinned down, "Aw, I guess I'll have to finish up next time. See you soon, Craig."

With a wink and a smile, the guy was gone.

Craig stared up at the sky in shock. He felt like the stars were looking down and mocking him about what just transpired. He felt Clyde lean down next to him and grab him by the shoulders.

"Dude, are you ok?! What the fuck happened?"

Craig, still stunned, just looked over at his friend and whispered, "I'm going to catch this mother fucker if its the last thing I do."

 

* * *

 

Kenny, Clyde and Craig sat down at the quiet little cafe in South Park. They ended up here after Kenny said he knew one of the baristas and how he made the best drinks.

They had been called here by some archeologists who were having a museum day with some of their findings and had recieved a letter stating that someone had threatened to steal their most prized discovery. It was a series of golded statues of the egyptian Goddess Isis that had been found in the tomb.

The letter detailed how he would steal all 8 statues on specific dates and even what time he would strike. He then went on to say that even with the FBI having all that information, he would still get away with the robberies.

This was Kenny's first time being involved with this case. This thief had managed to really rile up the FBI with the last robbery after he sent a selfie to the news outlets of him with the artifact he just stole. Their reputation was now at stake and they decided to call in as many agents as possible.

Kenny, Clyde and Craig all shared a bond as they all had trained together. Kenny was the best when it came to profiling criminals so he had been called in especially for this case.

Kenny sat down next to them, "So tell me more about this thief."

Clyde leaned forward as he got ready to detail the story of this thief, "So the first case was a year an a half ago. Craig and I still in training back then so we only found out the details of it but a katana was stolen. It was brought to the states as part of traveling History of War museum. The thing was worth a pretty penny but pales in comparison to all the stuff he's stolen since. It wasn't a big deal at the time and of course, the FBI weren't involved. The FBI wasn't involved at all till the 3rd robbery. He managed to break into a museum that was only a couple of levels below the Pentagon in terms of physical security. Normally, the government doesn't care about robberies but this was the 3rd high priced item in 7 months and this thief seemed like an actual threat to national security."

Kenny rested his face on his hand, "Because if he could get into something that was close to the Pentagon, he could possibly get into the Pentagon?"

Craig nodded. Clyde continued, "Its more of a potential threat he could become. As of right now, he doesn't seem to care about national information but its not something the government wants to risk either. That plus the fact that this robber kept leaving taunting typed up letters at each crime scene which eventually got under the FBIs skin. Also, rich people started complaining and you know, you don't want to panic the rich people."

Kenny let out a short bitter chuckle but kept quiet to let Clyde continue, "So Craig and I had managed to make a name for ourselves in the Criminal and Cyber. Well, mostly Craig. As good as he is at flipping off his superiors, he's really good at his job. In fact, Craig is the closest anyone has gotten to catching the thief."

Craig snorted, "And I would have caught him if it hadn't been for that old bat of a SAC."

Kenny's brows crinkled, "Yeah, our current Special Agent-in-Charge doesn't seem any better."

Clyde nodded at Craig to continue the story which caused him to huff and tell the events that unfolded 2 months ago.

"Kinky," Kenny said with a waggle of his brows.

Craig shot him an annoyed look at Clyde blurted out, "That's what I said!"

"If you assholes are gonna act like this, I'm just going to leave," Craig said in a threatening tone.

Kenny was silent before he added, "So the thief wants to fuck you."

Craig flipped him off and Clyde laughed hard.

"Man, I said that too when he told me the story. I didn't think anyone could be attracted to Craig, I think its just his height or his eyes," Clyde said thoughfully.

"Well, maybe it was too dark for him to see his face properly" Kenny added in an equally thoughtful tone.

"No, but he leaned in to make sure. I'm sure he'd be able to tell by then. Maybe he was just really horny?" Clyde said with doubt.

Kenny snickered, "Or maybe he just has bad taste in guys."

"Who has bad taste in guys?" a new voice cut into their conversation that sent a slight tingle through Craig. He looked up to be met by a pair of green, innocent looking eyes. The barista placed the drinks the trio had ordered in front of them with great caution.

"Anyone who finds this guy attractive," Kenny said with a chuckle as he pointed to Craig.

Craig rolled his eyes as Clyde laughed, "Ok, we're being dicks. Don't worry dude, you're actually good looking and one day, someone who isn't a criminal will probably be attracted to you." Craig proceeded to flip him off.

The barista gave Craig a once over before blinking in a confused manner, "He's pretty good looking to me."

Craig felt his face go warm as Clyde and Kenny broke out into laughter at Craig's expression.

"Oh man, Tweek are you sure you're not the thief?" Kenny said through his chuckles.

Tweek looked back at Kenny, eyes even wider now, "Thief???"

"Don't worry about it man. Thank you for the coffee," Clyde said, managing to calm down.

Craig looked up at the barista with a slight smile, "Yeah, thank you for the hot chocolate."

Tweek gave a bright smile back, "No problem Craig."

Craig felt something go off in his brain as the barista walked away.

He didn't remember telling him his name?

 

* * *

 

They say lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice but Craig is starting to doubt that.

As he lay on the ground, arms pinned down by the sides of his head again, he felt himself having no one to really blame for this one.

"Craig, you're so easy to get into this position. Do I just make you weak in the knees?" The thief stooped down to where his mouth was near Craig's ear again, "Or are you just very submissive with me?"

Craig had to supress the shudder that was trying to force itself through him. He refused to let this thief know that he may possibly be attracted to him.

"Your eyes look fucking amazing right now. Your pupils are blown so wide that I'm surprised you don't have a hard on."

Well, Craig can't say he tried. He stared down the thief, trying to look like he wasn't bothered by this situation at all but he had a feeling he wasn't doing a very good job.

The thief smiled at him sweetly as he leaned forward again, "I knew I'd get another chance to do this but knowing I'm going to be seeing you 7 more times in such a short time span just makes this so much more exciting." The thief decided to leave another mark on Craig's neck, this one much darker than the last as Craig had to use every ounce of willpower to stop certain noises from escaping his mouth.

He felt the thief giggle into his skin, "Craig, you're so much fun. At this rate, I'll end up stealing you instead of those statues."

"Why don't you?" It took some time for Craig to realise that he's the one who said that.

The thief looked at him with wide eyes that just screamed of lust and playfulness, "Are you suggesting that you want to take up on my offer?"

Craig felt his brain whirring. Maybe this would be the only way to catch him. It was dumb but, it just might work. He hated last minute plans but he didn't have much of a choice right now.

He swallowed but it didn't do much to his dry throat, "Well, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about it."

A smirk played at the thief's lips, "Hmm, I see. Too bad I don't trust you at all."

"What can I do to make you trust me?"

The thief's eyes showed surprise. Craig suddenly felt confident that this may be the route to go, "What do I have to do to win you over?"

The thief narrowed his eyes, "Something isn't adding up cop boy. Why the sudden interest in becoming a thief?"

Craig felt his brain blank out. He really hadn't thought any of this through and was very close to fucking it all up, "I'm an andrenaline junkie. Its why I joined the FBI but, its not doing it for me anymore."

Something in what Craig said seemed to resonate with the thief as he hummed in reponse, "God, I know that feeling. Man, the high is so worth chasing." He eyed Craig warily and Craig could feel himself being scrutinized. He was glad he had been blessed with a stoic face that could hide most emotions.

"Alright, I'll consider your... Interest in my offer. I'll contact you soon enough."

And again, he just vanished. Craig just lay on his back, coming down from the shock of it all.

There may have been more truth to the adrenaline junkie line than Craig realised.

 

* * *

 

"So he wants you to be his sex toy?"

Craig pinched the bridge of his nose at Kenny's words, "Probably?"

"Dude... You're fucking insane," Clyde said as he started at Craig in shock.

Kenny pushed his hair back as he thought out loud, "As insane as it is, he may be right in thinking that its the only way to catch this thief."

The trio were sat at the park. They were worried about being bugged so they decided that open spaces were safer than indoors right now.

"Has he contacted you yet?" Clyde asked, his tone still one of shock.

Craig shook his head, "I don't think he was very convinced with me. Like I said, it was such a last minute plan that I didn't think it would work at all. I honestly just expected him to leave."

"Well, what are you going to do if he does contact you? Are you going to tell the bosses?" Kenny asked.

"I feel like I'm supposed to but they're only going to interfere and fuck it up," Craig said with disdain.

Kenny nodded, "Yeah, I don't blame you for feeling that way right now. Their plans so far haven't been any fucking good."

Clyde remained silent for a while before finally speaking, "Craig, what if you end up feeling something for this guy?"

It was now Craig's turn to remain silent.

Clyde's eyes went wide, "Holy fuck, you already feel something for him, don't you?"

Craig groaned a loud "I don't know" and Kenny patted his back sympathetically, "Let's get you some hot chocolate man."

 

* * *

 

"One hot chocolate for a hot cop," Tweek said with a wink as he handed the drink to Craig. Craig felt himself heat up again with the nagging feeling of familiarity passing through him.

He returned to his friends as Clyde looked on at him, "Craig, why couldn't you have the hots for someone sweet and not a criminal like Tweek?"

"Craig has the hots for a criminal?" Tweek asked confused.

Kenny laughed, "Its a long story but yeah, something along those lines."

Tweek tilted his head to the side, "Is this that thief you mentioned last time?"

Clyde looked at him with a big smile, "Wow Tweek, your memory is pretty great."

Tweek blushed a little, "Its just because you guys accused me of being him."

"Oh right," Clyde remembered, "I forgot about that. Anyway, thank you Tweek."

Craig and Kenny also said their thanks as Tweek smiled and walked away. Craig couldn't help but feel as if Tweek seemed slightly more cheery after joining their conversation.

 

* * *

 

That night Craig stood on the rooftop of a building near by for surveillance.

He could handle 1 night of staring out at the darkness but 6 nights in a row was really pushing him to the limit. A frustrated exhale broke the silence of the night. 

His superiors weren't too pleased that he had encountered the thief twice and managed to let him get away both times. After Craig said something along the lines of 'At least I've encountered him' using less kinder words, he ended up on lookout duty. He was also told he wasn't allowed to be present at the next robbery. Being annoyed was putting it mildly.

He felt the chill of the night pass through his bones before a pair of warm arms wrapped themselves around his waist.

A chin rested on his shoulder and a familiar caffeine scent entered his nostrils, "Hey cutie, what did you do to get stuck out here?"

"Pissed off my boss by saying something because he thinks I'm shit at my job," Craig replied in as cool of a voice he could muster.

"Aww, did you get in trouble because of me?" The thief said in a teasing tone. "Well, I think I'll be able to make it up to you then..." He nuzzled into Craig's neck and tightened his grip on his waist.

Craig turned his head, "Are you saying you're going to give me a chance?"

"A chance to prove you're trustworthy, yes. My next robbery is supposed to be tomorrow and as much as I'd love to do it, I've decided that that's going to be my loyalty test for you. If you can steal the 2nd statue for me, I'll happily work with you from now on. Consider it an offering to appease me."

"I see," Craig said in a contemplative tone.

"Worried?" The thief continued to tease him.

"A little." Craig admitted honestly. "What if I fail to steal the statue and I end up getting fired? That would make life kinda difficult."

The thief hummed, "Well, that's easy enough. Just don't fail."

Craig let out an incredulous laugh but the thief had a point. Craig couldn't let this plan fail in any way. He hadn't come close to encountering the wrath of the thief but something said he didn't want to. As if the thief could sense his concern, he moved in front of Craig.

"Don't worry lovely Craig, I'm sure you'll be fine," the thief said with a genuine smile. "Don't you trust me?"

Craig stared into the eyes of the thief, aware that this is probably the first time that he's seen how tall the thief actually was. Granted he was wearing shoes which may have added to his height but he was the same height as Craig, which wasn't an easy feet even with heels.

His reponse flowed out of his mouth before he had time to register them, "I do." The sincerity in his voice managed to shock himself but it was true. For whatever reason, the thief's eyes held some sort of light that just made him want to trust him.

At some point, unbeknownst to Craig, he had wrapped his arm around the thief's waist and leaned into the thief's space, "I trust you. I really do. I barely know you and I trust you, isn't that fucking crazy?"

The thief looked like he wasn't breathing but his hands took Craig's face, "Yeah, it is fucking crazy. Maybe you're insane. I don't know if I should be getting tangled up with you."

Craig smirked, an unknown confidence finding its way out of him, "But you still want to, because you're just as much of an adrenaline junkie as I am."

The thief laughed, "You've got me figured out huh?"

"No, not yet but I want to," Craig said softly. He made a mental note to go see a psychaitrist at some point.

The thief suddenly dipped forward and pressed his lips against Craig's. It was so much softer than he expected.

"For good luck," the thief whispered.

Before Craig could even react, the thief had vanished, leaving nothing but the warmth on his lips and against his arms.

Craig could feel a greed building up inside him. He wanted so much more than just a kiss and he felt like he had awoken something insatiable.

It was at that moment that Craig knew he was royally fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm alive.
> 
> I've just had finals week and I'm actually uploading this while I'm waiting for my second flight to get home. 
> 
> It actually takes me a day to get home. Its death.
> 
> I actually wrote a good chunk of the chapter and then got annoyed at where I ended it so I decided to add more before uploading it so... That's why its delayed.
> 
> Also, it turns out there was a line that didn't get pasted in the last chapter so I added that now. Its not super important but whatever. 
> 
> Check the notes at the end too!

Music blarred through Kenny's room as the trio sat on the floor in silence.

Craig sat with his legs crossed and his face resting against his interlocked fingers with a tensed expression. Kenny sat with his legs outstretched, his weight resting on his arms and his face relaxed as ever, while Clyde was just lying on the floor as he stared at the ceiling in a daze.

They had been stuck like this ever since Craig told them how the night had progressed.

Clyde was the first to speak up, "Dude... How the fuck did you end up in this mess?"

Kenny laughed, "Well, that's an easy one. He was thinking with the wrong head."

Craig wanted to protest but he knew that lying would only make matters worse. He felt a hand pat him on the back reassuringly as Kenny spoke, "Don't worry man, we've all been there."

Clyde sat up suddenly at the implication and narrowed his eyes at Kenny, "Spill."

"A couple of years ago, I was out getting groceries and I happened to catch this guy pocketing some extra stuff with no intention of paying. I cornered him outside and the guy just cracked completely and turned into a sobbing mess. Said something about how strict his dad was and had 'grounded him with no dinner again' or something," Kenny said as he made air quotes. "Honestly, it was weird because I'm sure this was a grown-ass man but I felt bad for the guy," he continued, "I was going to turn him in and then the guy looked up at me and his face just made me blank out. The dude was fucking cute. So I just... Pretended I never saw him," Kenny finished with a smirk.

Craig looked at Kenny with a small smile on his face as his respect for the blonde grew two-fold.

Clyde, after managing to pick his jaw off of the floor, stuttered, "S-so what happened after that?"

Kenny shrugged, "I didn't see him again until two weeks later... At a gay bar." Kenny's smirk grew wider, "You can guess the rest."

Clyde groaned and buried his face in his hands and Craig had to stiffle a snicker.

Kenny chuckled, "I know its not as glamourous as wanting to bone a thief on the FBI wanted list but, it kind of counts right?"

Craig smirked at his friend, "Definetly counts."

Clyde rolled his eyes, "Ok, but that doesn't change that you have to rob a statue tonight."

Craig's smirk fell and Kenny snickered at the transition. Clyde moved over to Craig's side and with one swift motion, slapped him on the back of his head.

Craig fell forward in surprise, "What the fuck Clyde?!"

"That's for being a fucking dumbass," Clyde mumbled before sitting down in front of Craig and pulling him into a tight hug, "And this is because despite how much of a dumbass you are, I'm still here for you."

Craig sighed into Clyde's shoulder and returned the hug.

"Aww, you guys are just too adorable," Kenny yelled before joining the hug. "Clyde's right though, we're both gonna help you out with this."

Craig let out a soft laugh, "Thanks guys. Any ideas of how I should go about this?"

The blonde let out a loud 'Hmm' as he and the brunette moved off of Craig. "Well, the robbery is actually the easy part." Kenny eyed warily, "Craig, how good are you at seducing people?"

Craig raised a brow at Kenny and Clyde snorted as his hand covered his eyes, "Oh man, Craig is fucked."

Craig stared down at his hands as he mumbled, "Tell me something I don't know."

 

* * *

 

 

Craig hated to admit it but Kenny was right. The robbery was going to be the easy part.

He knew the entire layout of the museum and the patrol schedule. It actually bothered him how easy this was going to be.

He leaned against the balconey railing and chewed on the inside of his cheek. His mind was racing a mile a minute trying to map out the possible outcomes of the night, how it could go wrong and how it could _very wrong_.

"You're going to give yourself hypertension if you keep thinking like that," a voice broke through his thoughts.

Craig turned around to find the broad shouldered man of his nightmares leaning against the wall with a large smile on his face. His outfit was slightly different from his usual robbery attire. He had traded off his black turtleneck for a sleeveless black hoodie which left his toned arms on full display. The hat and mask were a staple it seemed. It was unsettling how his smile didn't really reach his eyes even though it took up any visible space on his face.

"Are you here to give me another good luck kiss?"

That line earned a laugh from the thief as he moved forward to join him at the railing. "I actually came to see if you were really going to do it. I'm surprised to say the least. I was thinking that maybe you'd chicken out after you got down from the high of being in my presence," the thief finished with a wink.

Craig scoffed, "Well, that might not be the only surprise you'll have tonight."

The thief narrowed his eyes at the agent, "What exactly are you implying?"

Craig look at him with a cocky grin on his face, "I'm going to get in and out without setting off a single alarm or alerting any guards."

The thief rolled his eyes, "Well, I would too if I was working for the damn people guarding my prizes."

"I'm not going to walk in as me. I'm not suicidal," Craig said, look back out towards the city. "Nor am I planning on losing my job for you."

The thief kept looking a Craig, expecting an explaination but one never came. After a moment of silence, the thief spoke up, "Ok, I'll bite. What exactly is your deal?"

Craig furrowed his brows at that but didn't look over, "What do you mean?"

"Why are you doing this? Are you trying to win my trust and get me arrested or something?"

Craig chuckled, "I just told you I'm not suicidal. Why would I do something as stupid as that?" Internally, Craig wanted nothing more than to repeatedly bang his head against a wall for thinking this was a good plan.

"So why keep your job?"

Craig looked at the thief with a raised brow, "You don't want an inside man?"

The thief shrugged, "Haven't needed one so far." He gave Craig a very slow once over, "But I wouldn't mind being inside a certain man."

Craig rolled his eyes, "Oh god, you really are sex starved, aren't you?"

The thief laughed, "And you're not? I can tell you've never had a good blowjob in your life."

Craig looked at him puzzled, "How the fuck would you know that?"

"It shows in how you carry yourself."

Craig kept staring at the thief with the same expression.

The thief sighed, "When a guy has had a good blowjob, the way a guy carries himself is completely different. They're more relaxed and have more of a flow in their movements. Not as stiff as you seem to be. Like that other guy you hang out with, the blonde one? Yeah, that dude has definetly a lot of good bjs."

"Maybe I'm stiff from having a stressful job," Craig mumbled, trying to hide his embarassment.

"Even more of a reason to find someone who gives good head!"

Craig gave the thief a confused look, "Are you offering your services?"

"Oh man, if I got my hands on you, it wouldn't just stop at a bj."

The tone of his voice sent Craig's rationality down the drain. He had to exert physical effort to stop himself from following the thief's tongue as he licked his lower lip. He could feel himself getting more tangled in a web of trouble but didn't feel like he had the mental capacity to stop it either.

"Sex talk aside, you didn't answer my question. Why are you doing any of this Craig?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I don't know why?"

"I would believe you but I still wouldn't trust you."

Craig had a small smile on his face, "You wouldn't trust me after the robbery either. Whether I decided to forsake my job or keep it, you have no reason to trust me. Me robbing the museum tonight is more of a game than it meaning anything to you." Craig looked the thief with a strong seriousness in his eyes, "Am I wrong?"

The thief stayed silent but maintained eye contact. He let out a sharp exhale, "You're right. I don't have any reason to trust you after you rob the place either. I'd probably be more inclined to trust you if you lost your job but I still wouldn't completely trust you. If you know all of that, why do you still want to steal the damn thing?"

"I told you last time. I trust you. For whatever fucking reason that doesn't really make sense to me, I trust you to not do wrong by me," Craig said as he watched a flurry of emotions pass through the thief's eyes. He tried to lighten the situation a little, "Also, whether its you or me, you're going to end up with that statue regardless so why don't I just do it?"

The thief was quiet. He kept staring at Craig's face, as if expecting something to be written on it that would help him understand the agent. He moved in closer, the intensity of his expression unchanged, as he took Craig's face in his hands. He didn't break eye contact but Craig could feel his breath hitch a little at the contact. The thief kept examining his face, unsure of what he was looking for but unable to explain why he was doing it.

They remained like this for what felt like an age. The wind moved past them, pushing Craig's black locks over his eyes only to have them brushed out of the way by the thief's hands. It was a simple action but there was an unforeseen gentleness to it. The confusion was still evident in the thief's eyes but he didn't look like he was any closer to an answer. He let out a soft breath and his hands dropped to his sides.

"Find me at the diner at the corner of 5th after you're done," the thief said before grabbing onto a cable hanging besides the balconey that Craig hadn't noticed. It seemed to be attached to one of the balconies above his. The thief looked back and gave Craig a small smile before he abseiled down.

Craig let out a shaky exhale.

It was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

 

 Craig cursed his luck both mentally and out loud.

It was supposed to be easy. He knew the layout, he knew the guard schedules and he knew his window and exactly how much time he had. Everything was perfectly planned but you can't plan people's actions.

"Craig, this is for your own good," Clyde said as he held the tazer at aim. "Just put the statue back and we can just say the thief drugged you with scopalmaine or something."

Craig scoffed, "What happened to being there for me?"

Clyde shot him an exasperated look, "This is me having being there for you, you fucking asshole. You're about to throw your life away over some stupid thief that could kill you as soon as he gets the statue. I'm not going to allow you to go on an uneccesary suicide mission!" Clyde's voice wavered at the end, his lip wobbling as his eyes became glassy.

Craig could feel the guilt starting to course through him and he felt his resolve shake slightly but it was short lived. Before he could form a decision, smoke filled through the room. A pair of hands reached out through the smoke and pulled Craig away. He felt a hand slip into his and lead him through the hallways and out the back of the museum before being shoved into the passenger seat of the car.

"Great friends you have there," his rescuer said before starting the car.

Craig let out a short bark of a laugh, "Were you spying on me?"

"Just wanted to make sure you were actually going to get the statue," the thief said with a smile.

Craig gave the thief a look, "You know, you can just admit you were worried about me getting hurt."

The thief stayed silent but there was a smile playing on his lips. He quickly changed the topic, "So, what happened back there?"

Craig raised a brow at him, "Weren't you there?"

"I came in like a minute before I threw that smoke bomb. I only saw him holding a tazer and looking like he was about to cry. The only reason I even came was because it felt like you were taking too long," the thief said with a shrug.

"Its so nice to know how much you care about me," Craig said with a smirk.

The thief punched his shoulder with a laugh, "Just tell me the fucking story. Is he your boyfriend or something?"

Craig sighed, "No we've just been friends for like... 16 years now? He walked in and saw me with the statue and I guess he thinks I'm the thief or I'm working for the thief. I have no idea what he thought honestly." Craig pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing, "He wasn't even supposed to be on duty tonight so it caught me off guard. He's the only one who would recognise me instantly."

"You guys must be pretty close, huh?"

Craig chewed on his lower lip, "Yeah." Craig fell silent, losing himself in his thoughts. The thief didn't seem to push any further. He was slowly being processing everything before something clicked.

"Wait, where are we going right now?" Craig scanned his surroundings but the darkness of the night made things difficult. It didn't look like any area he had seen before but then again, he hadn't really gone exploring South Park at night either.

The thief looked over at him with a grin, "We're going to my Bat cave."

 

* * *

 

"Dude, why did you become an FBI agent?" Kenny asked as he handed a glass of water to Clyde.

The pair were sat in Clyde's hotel room. They both had just been sent home for the night after Clyde had reported what occured at the museum.

Clyde gave Kenny a look, "What do you mean why?"

Kenny gave him a devilish smirk, "Why become an FBI agent when you have so much potential as a fucking actor? You'd be making millions right now."

Clyde laughed, "What can I say? I have to let other people make a living too."

Kenny chuckled before taking a moment to collect his thoughts, "You think Craig will pick up on what you did?"

Clyde snorted, "Craig can't act for shit but he's no idiot. If anything, I just helped make things so much easier for him. I didn't tell the bosses that he's the one I saw at the museum and since he's just been doing lookout duty, you and I can cover his shifts and just say he's sick or something. He's covered for now."

Kenny smiled, "Yeah, you did. You were smart as fuck for realising the thief would show up if Craig got late."

Clyde looked away slightly embarassed, "I actually wasn't sure. It was a test to be honest."

Kenny looked at him quizzically, "A test?" It seemed that something clicked as soon as the words left Kenny's mouth because his mouth quickly formed an 'Oh'. He nodded solmenly, before smirking again, "Dude, you're trouble for sure. Remind me to hang out with you more."

"Remind yourself dipshit," Clyde said with a grin. Clyde leaned back against his chair and let out an slow exhale, "The rest is up to Craig now."

Kenny gave him a reassuring smile, "Hey, if Craig can't do this then no one can."

"Yeah," Clyde said with a slightly distant tone before whispering, "That asshole better stay alive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, apparently the blowjob thing is true. My friend explained to me how he knows when a dude has had good head because of the way he walks. The MORE YOU KNOW.
> 
> I'm slightly delirious from the 11 hour flight I was just on so expect some stupid editing errors to be present.
> 
> I'll go back and fix them later honestly, or just never. Who knows.
> 
> Oh I have a Tumblr. Its Arkepi (did you really expect anything else?) but yeah, message me about what you think about this fic. 
> 
> I will try to upload regularly but since I'm going to see family... No promises.


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